Hats Off to Educators

Where did May go? Who am I kidding—where did the school year go? It seems like just last week I was dragging Elaine (literally) into her new school after a week of trying to get her there under her own steam. Following my best motherly instincts, and ignoring all the behavioral training I have paid good money to receive, I knew that once she got inside, she would see that it had a classroom just like every other school she had gone to in her entire life, and she would be fine. However, if I waited to find the right medication, social story, picture schedule, or token system that was going to convince her to walk through that strange set of doors for the first time, it was going to be at least Christmas before we won that battle. I was not waiting that long for her to go to sixth grade. For once, I was right. Once inside the doors, her instincts kicked in, and she was able to get to class, find her familiar routines, and was soon riding her new bus with her new friends. Ha! Mom instinct wins again! However, I recognize fully that the magic of getting her on the bus is only part of the story. The other half of the story is all the magic that happened during the day to keep her willing and happy to go back day after day. My hat goes off to her patient, kind, longsuffering, creative, let’s-see-what-I-can-pull-out-of-my-hat-today teachers and aides.

Now I must give credit to someone else having better instincts than I when it comes to my son. I would have placed with him a teacher with whom I felt comfortable, but in living the chaos of my life, I missed the deadline to request a specific teacher for him. I went to the principal and tried to plead my case. He has a health issue, he missed 42 days of school the previous year, in part I felt because of a less than dedicated teacher who did not seem to grasp the tender needs of my son. The principal had already made a placement decision, and encouraged me to let it stand. I cried in front of the principal—something I rarely do! I did not know the teacher with whom he had chosen to place my son and I worried—more than a little. I put on a brave face, put a positive spin on it for my son and went to Back to School Night. All fear left me. Here was the school’s best kept secret of a teacher. The principal knew my son, looked at more than his health issues, and matched him with a teacher who would teach to his strengths, and who would engage him in learning so that he would want to attend school more than he would want to stay home on those days when he felt “borderline.” Genius! Hmmmm…Why didn’t I think of that?

I got home from a trip last week, and my son had just gotten home from his last day of school. I ask him how he felt about school being out for the year, and he said, “Kind of sad, actually.” Same health issues this year, days of school missed because of it? We didn’t count—it wasn’t an issue. He’s happy enough to be home for the summer, but he is going to miss his teacher, who he now feels is one of his best friends. We cleaned out his backpack and chose the papers he wanted to save. I found his Fourth Grade Penmanship notebook. To practice writing skills, his teacher didn’t just have the students write letters of the alphabet in print and cursive letters. Instead, he had them write beautiful, inspiring quotes, first in print, then in cursive. My eyes filled with tears as I read through his notebook and realized what my son would have missed if I had prevailed and insisted on a different teacher for him. Most of those quotes my son now has committed to memory, and just as important are the words of encouragement and positive reinforcement I saw written on every assignment and test, on every report card, on every SEP review. He has those committed to memory as well. Mr. Wilcken, we will not forget you. You educated not only a fourth grader, but his mother as well. Mr. Wilcken is leaving Utah to further his education and to teach in another state. It is our loss, but their gain.

I have teachers who have inspired me, mentored me, and influenced my life. I’m grateful to them. I find myself profoundly more grateful when my children have good teachers who are making a difference with them. There are teachers, and then there are educators…those who live their professions, and don’t just do their jobs. My hat goes off to all of you who make that kind of difference in the lives you lead each day.

Quotes From Austin’s Fourth Grade Penmanship Notebook:

A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimensions. –Anonymous

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you; not because they are nice, but because you are. –Unknown

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. –Bill Cosby

To feel valued, to know, even if only once in a while, that you can do a job well is an absolutely marvelous feeling. –Barbara Walters

To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe. –Marilyn von Savant

What you are doing every day should contribute to giving your life meaning. If it doesn’t, why are you doing it? –Don Hutcheson

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. –Mark Twain

The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and given a test. In life, you’re given a test which then teaches you a lesson. –Tom Bodett

I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to somebody’s pain made me blind; but I never have felt a tinge of regret for being a little too kind. –Unknown

Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all. –Aristotle

Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. –William Jennings

Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it. –Richard Whatley

Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.
–Maria Montessori

The heights of great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they while their companions slept were toiling upward in the night. –Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

BE KIND

It is so easy to be kind when our lives are calm, we are well, our children are happy, our work is going well, and we feel good about ourselves. It is easy to be kind when people are kind to us first. The challenge is to be kind when tempers are wearing thin, when children are grumpy or ill, when headaches rage, when pressures are building at home or work, when dinner is burning (or non-existent), and when money is scarce.

Kindness is an attribute that grows from other basic traits: patience, warmth, generosity, love. And to “be” kind takes action, it takes effort, it takes work. What difference does kindness make in a life? What difference does it make in yours?

Leo Buscaglia said: “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind work, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring: all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Recently, I read a magazine article discussing how to avoid conflict. Since I really dislike conflict, I was highly interested in the topic! The author said that we should all remember the BIBS theory in dealing with other people and here is the story that illustrates this theory:

Imagine that you are trying to get to an important meeting and you are running late. You stop behind another car at a red light. You are waiting impatiently for the light to change, but when it does, the driver in the car in front of you doesn’t move. In fact, she gets outs of her car, opens the back door of her car and starts rooting around in the back seat. Of course, you miss the light.
How do you respond? Do you roll down your window and yell at the driver? Do you honk your horn impatiently? Do you just sit and curse quietly under breath and call her names?

What if you knew the reason for her actions? What if you knew that the reason she got out of her car and opened her back door was that her baby in the back seat was choking and she was clearing her airway so she could breathe? The acronym BIBS stands for “Baby In the Back Seat,” and the illustration is that everyone has something unknown happening in their lives that drives their actions. We don’t always know why people say and do the things they do, and since we don’t, it is important for us to respond with patience and kindness, giving them the benefit of the doubt that there is a reason behind what is happening.

In thinking about being kind, I also want to mention the importance of being kind to ourselves. We are sometimes harder on ourselves than anyone else, and while we will forgive others for huge indiscretions, find it difficult to forgive ourselves for the smallest mistakes. So while you are taking time, doing good deeds, saying kind things, giving the benefit of the doubt, and finding forgiveness, don’t leave yourself out of the loop!

LuWenn

"I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to somebody's pain made me blind; but I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little too kind."

What Is An AutisMom?

Once there was a little girl.

She dreamed of all the things that she could be.

First she wanted to be a nurse...
She would care for the sick with gentleness, patience, and love.

Then she wanted to be a teacher...
She would teach children and help them have the best chance for success.

In high school, she thought that being a religious leader would allow her to provide comfort, care, and spiritual sustenance.

A little older, and she wanted to be a lawyer...
She would defend the poor and defenseless.

Finally, she wanted to be a doctor...
She would unravel all the mysteries of what made people sick and how to cure them.

Eventually this girl grew up and got married and she became a mom.
Two of her children flourished, and learned with ease, their future was bright, and she was delighted. But one of her children was different, she seemed locked her in her own little world, her abilities seemed to change, and she seemed ill. This mom's child was diagnosed with autism. Such a frightening, vast, overwhelming label for such a small, beautiful child.

The mom was scared, so she asked the angels, "Who can help my child?"

And the angels said, "You can help her. You will be everything that you always wanted to be."

"But angels," said the mom, "I am scared that my child will not be all the I'd hoped she could be."

"She may not be everything you hope for right now," replied the angels, "but she is all of the things that you can help her become."

--Adapted from an anonymous poem

Accept Differences

So easy to say, so difficult to do. Few of us are truly secure enough with ourselves to freely accept others as they are as well. The key in this, then, may lie in first of all accepting ourselves—not to say that we aren’t always trying to improve and progress—but simply to say, “Where I am for today is okay.” Then perhaps we can say for others, “Where you are for today is okay.”

It is possibly more difficult to accept differences in ourselves than in others. We might be able to accept global differences—race, culture, religion, gender, for instance—but what about the more subtle and personally defining differences? Are we able to interact with others and not compare ourselves? Our appearances? Our social status? Our career paths? Our financial standing? Our family stability? How we keep house or raise our children? How we lead our Networks or handle our work responsibilities?

Again, the key to being able to meet others without fear, criticism, judgment, or animosity toward them and more importantly toward ourselves, is to accept the individual differences that exist in us all.

What I Learned From My Mom

This is a day when I have been able to reflect on one of the most important people in my life. This beautiful, beautiful woman is my mom. She died five years ago. April 25, 2003. I never forget the date.


"What's your idea of a perfect date?"


"April 25th. It's not too cold, not too warm...all you need is a
light spring jacket." (Silly airheaded contestant answering a question
in Miss Congeniality)



We were standing around my mother's bed, my sisters and my dad, waiting for the people to come from the mortuary to take her away and dad said, "April 25th." We needed to write down the date and the time of death for them for the death certificate I suppose, but he said the date and that silly line from that silly movie popped into my head. Of course, it popped out of mouth...providing comic relief to what had been a long, long night of stress and tears. Actually, many months of stress and tears, interspersed with other moments of comic relief, because that is one lesson I learned from my mom. Scream, cry, rage for a however long you need to in order to get it out of your system--then find something to laugh about. You'll feel better.

Here are a few other things I have learned from mom:

• It's better to stop what you're doing and use the bathroom before the urge to go becomes desperate, because you never know when someone is going to tell you a joke that is going to make you laugh so hard you pee your pants.


• Never underestimate the power of good food to make people happy.


• We have two responsibilities toward others; the first is to try not to offend, and the second is to not take offense.


• Nothing good happens after midnight. Make sure you're safely in bed by then.


• It's better to do something, even if it's the wrong thing, than to do nothing and complain about your circumstances.


• There's no substitute for elbow grease.


• Answer the phone with a smile in your voice, no matter what your mood was before the phone rang.


• Always buy two candy bars, just in case you inhale the first one so fast you need the second one to really enjoy the taste of chocolate.

I consider all of these lessons vitally important to my life now. However, these are not the most important lessons I learned from my mom. The most important thing that I learned from my mom is to do my best, whatever it is I'm doing. She truly lived the maxim: "Anything worth doing is worth doing well." Quality was a way of life for us when we were growing up--not that we had a lot of money or fancy stuff, although we certainly had plenty and never were wanting for anything. The "quality" I remember was in the excellent meals, the tidy home, the well-prepared lessons, the excellent baking, the precisely sewn clothes and the neatly folded and pressed laundry. I also remember quality service to neighbors and friends in the form of meals delivered in times of illness and new babies, and warm loaves of freshly baked bread delivered all over town to express warm thoughts of friendship. I recall hours of devoted community and church service.

I wish I could detail the many examples of service that have impacted me. Certainly the one that should not go unmentioned are the years that she cared for my father through a serious illness and stayed by his side while he recovered his health, and regained physical and financial stability after what amounted to a devastating reverse of lifestyle for them. For the next 10 years, she worked as a cook for the Senior Citizens in our small hometown. It was hard work, and she did it with diligence and with love. The Senior Citizens had never eaten so well before, nor have they since, I'm sure!

When mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age of 59, our grieving started immediately. We could not believe that our strong, resilient mother would be taken from us at so young an age, and after weathering so much adversity. She and Dad were finally getting to a point of thinking they might enjoy a retirement in a few years. Eight married children, a couple dozen grandchildren...life was pretty good, after being pretty bad for a few years. In one of life's ironic twists, we knew Dad could have gone at any time, but thought Mom would live forever. She didn't give up easily. She worked as hard at beating cancer as she had worked at everything else in her life, and finally said that dying was the hardest work she had ever done.

After Mom's death, life seemed to get very hard for a while. Our daughter, Elaine, started going through some health and hormonal problems that worsened her behavior. After a couple of very hard years, people started saying things to me like, "How much longer will you keep her in your home? Isn't there a place where you could put her where people would know how to take care of her better?"

We started to struggle a bit, wondering if these people were right. Were we really not going to be able to keep Elaine with our family? Perhaps you can imagine our distress, as she was barely 10 years old at the time! One day, I was talking to a friend on the phone. She asked how my sisters and I were getting along without our mom. I said, "Well, you know, we are all doing okay. We just have these moments when we realize that there's no substitute for your mom. Some days, everything just seems harder if you don't have your mom to give you a hug at the end of a hard day, or you can't hear her voice at the other end of the phone, and most of all, when she's not there whenever you need her. Sometimes, there's just no substitute for Mom." As those words came out of my mouth, I knew that was the answer I needed, and the one that would get me through my hardest days to come with Elaine. Other people might know more about medication, or behavior programs, or diet, or augmentative communication, or service programs, or service dogs, or social skills programs, or hormone therapy, or biofeedback, or any of the other myriad things we were looking into at the time. But no one else--not one other single solitary individual on this planet can be Elaine's mother except me. And if the only thing she learns from me is that she is loved, she is cherished, and that I expect her to do her best, that is good enough for me.

Thanks, Mom. It's hard every day to be without you, but I wouldn't know what I needed to know without every day of the life you lived, and all the days that you couldn't live, too. And when it's time for me to let go of Elaine--whenever and whatever that means--I can do it, knowing that we will both survive with our memories, just like I survive with my memories of you to keep me going.