Accept Differences

So easy to say, so difficult to do. Few of us are truly secure enough with ourselves to freely accept others as they are as well. The key in this, then, may lie in first of all accepting ourselves—not to say that we aren’t always trying to improve and progress—but simply to say, “Where I am for today is okay.” Then perhaps we can say for others, “Where you are for today is okay.”

It is possibly more difficult to accept differences in ourselves than in others. We might be able to accept global differences—race, culture, religion, gender, for instance—but what about the more subtle and personally defining differences? Are we able to interact with others and not compare ourselves? Our appearances? Our social status? Our career paths? Our financial standing? Our family stability? How we keep house or raise our children? How we lead our Networks or handle our work responsibilities?

Again, the key to being able to meet others without fear, criticism, judgment, or animosity toward them and more importantly toward ourselves, is to accept the individual differences that exist in us all.

What I Learned From My Mom

This is a day when I have been able to reflect on one of the most important people in my life. This beautiful, beautiful woman is my mom. She died five years ago. April 25, 2003. I never forget the date.


"What's your idea of a perfect date?"


"April 25th. It's not too cold, not too warm...all you need is a
light spring jacket." (Silly airheaded contestant answering a question
in Miss Congeniality)



We were standing around my mother's bed, my sisters and my dad, waiting for the people to come from the mortuary to take her away and dad said, "April 25th." We needed to write down the date and the time of death for them for the death certificate I suppose, but he said the date and that silly line from that silly movie popped into my head. Of course, it popped out of mouth...providing comic relief to what had been a long, long night of stress and tears. Actually, many months of stress and tears, interspersed with other moments of comic relief, because that is one lesson I learned from my mom. Scream, cry, rage for a however long you need to in order to get it out of your system--then find something to laugh about. You'll feel better.

Here are a few other things I have learned from mom:

• It's better to stop what you're doing and use the bathroom before the urge to go becomes desperate, because you never know when someone is going to tell you a joke that is going to make you laugh so hard you pee your pants.


• Never underestimate the power of good food to make people happy.


• We have two responsibilities toward others; the first is to try not to offend, and the second is to not take offense.


• Nothing good happens after midnight. Make sure you're safely in bed by then.


• It's better to do something, even if it's the wrong thing, than to do nothing and complain about your circumstances.


• There's no substitute for elbow grease.


• Answer the phone with a smile in your voice, no matter what your mood was before the phone rang.


• Always buy two candy bars, just in case you inhale the first one so fast you need the second one to really enjoy the taste of chocolate.

I consider all of these lessons vitally important to my life now. However, these are not the most important lessons I learned from my mom. The most important thing that I learned from my mom is to do my best, whatever it is I'm doing. She truly lived the maxim: "Anything worth doing is worth doing well." Quality was a way of life for us when we were growing up--not that we had a lot of money or fancy stuff, although we certainly had plenty and never were wanting for anything. The "quality" I remember was in the excellent meals, the tidy home, the well-prepared lessons, the excellent baking, the precisely sewn clothes and the neatly folded and pressed laundry. I also remember quality service to neighbors and friends in the form of meals delivered in times of illness and new babies, and warm loaves of freshly baked bread delivered all over town to express warm thoughts of friendship. I recall hours of devoted community and church service.

I wish I could detail the many examples of service that have impacted me. Certainly the one that should not go unmentioned are the years that she cared for my father through a serious illness and stayed by his side while he recovered his health, and regained physical and financial stability after what amounted to a devastating reverse of lifestyle for them. For the next 10 years, she worked as a cook for the Senior Citizens in our small hometown. It was hard work, and she did it with diligence and with love. The Senior Citizens had never eaten so well before, nor have they since, I'm sure!

When mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age of 59, our grieving started immediately. We could not believe that our strong, resilient mother would be taken from us at so young an age, and after weathering so much adversity. She and Dad were finally getting to a point of thinking they might enjoy a retirement in a few years. Eight married children, a couple dozen grandchildren...life was pretty good, after being pretty bad for a few years. In one of life's ironic twists, we knew Dad could have gone at any time, but thought Mom would live forever. She didn't give up easily. She worked as hard at beating cancer as she had worked at everything else in her life, and finally said that dying was the hardest work she had ever done.

After Mom's death, life seemed to get very hard for a while. Our daughter, Elaine, started going through some health and hormonal problems that worsened her behavior. After a couple of very hard years, people started saying things to me like, "How much longer will you keep her in your home? Isn't there a place where you could put her where people would know how to take care of her better?"

We started to struggle a bit, wondering if these people were right. Were we really not going to be able to keep Elaine with our family? Perhaps you can imagine our distress, as she was barely 10 years old at the time! One day, I was talking to a friend on the phone. She asked how my sisters and I were getting along without our mom. I said, "Well, you know, we are all doing okay. We just have these moments when we realize that there's no substitute for your mom. Some days, everything just seems harder if you don't have your mom to give you a hug at the end of a hard day, or you can't hear her voice at the other end of the phone, and most of all, when she's not there whenever you need her. Sometimes, there's just no substitute for Mom." As those words came out of my mouth, I knew that was the answer I needed, and the one that would get me through my hardest days to come with Elaine. Other people might know more about medication, or behavior programs, or diet, or augmentative communication, or service programs, or service dogs, or social skills programs, or hormone therapy, or biofeedback, or any of the other myriad things we were looking into at the time. But no one else--not one other single solitary individual on this planet can be Elaine's mother except me. And if the only thing she learns from me is that she is loved, she is cherished, and that I expect her to do her best, that is good enough for me.

Thanks, Mom. It's hard every day to be without you, but I wouldn't know what I needed to know without every day of the life you lived, and all the days that you couldn't live, too. And when it's time for me to let go of Elaine--whenever and whatever that means--I can do it, knowing that we will both survive with our memories, just like I survive with my memories of you to keep me going.

The Alphabet for Life

The Alphabet for Life caught my eye one day as I was browsing a catalog--one of my favorite leisure activities. This particular catalog (http://www.signals.com/) is full of fun little treasures. I saw the Alphabet for Life, which is a tile plaque, intended to be hung on a wall, or perhaps displayed on a shelf. I promptly informed my husband that it was going to be featured underneath our Christmas tree that year, with my name on the gift tag! I wasn't taking any chances, however, and ordered it for myself...It sits on my desktop where I can review it often. I also have it saved on my computer in several places so I can happen upon it occasionally when I need a little inspiration.

I have explored each of these little tidbits of wisdom in individual little essays over the past year or so, and some of them I will share when the spirit moves me. Some I may choose to re-explore as new insights occur. One that I know I will want to revisit soon is "xeriscape" because we are just getting started on our new yard and the possibilities are endless!

Alphabet For Life

Accept Differences

Be Kind

Count Your Blessings

Dream

Express Thanks

Forgive

Give Freely

Harm No One

Imagine More

Jettison Anger

Keep Confidences

Love Truly

Master Something

Nurture Hope

Open Your Mind

Pack Lightly

Quell Rumors

Reciprocate

Seek Wisdom

Touch Hearts

Understand

Value Truth

Win Graciously

Xeriscape

Yearn

Zealously Support a Worthy Cause

Personal Accountability Attitude

Family to Family Network Leadership Message
April 22, 2008 By LuWenn Jones

Personal Accountability Attitude

“Your future depends on many things, but mostly yourself.”—Frank Tyger

“I always wondered why somebody didn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.” ----Lily Tomlin


It is always wonderful when we can walk away from a situation (whether it is an event, a relationship, a meeting, or a conversation) knowing that we did our absolute best and it is someone else who is to blame for any problems that arose. I hope you are all laughing as you realize the fallacy in that sentence! Rarely do we get to walk away with our hindsight vision accurately reflecting that we are blameless in any situation. If we are honest with ourselves, we almost always recognize that we share the responsibility for challenges and problems that arise in our lives.

In a personal example, I have recently been forced (yes, forced!) to face some hard facts about some of my own personal weaknesses. Things that for years I have excused as being beyond my ability to control or realm of capability, I have finally decided to own and take upon my shoulders as being my responsibility. Whew! It’s amazing! What I thought were insurmountable challenges are actually amazingly doable now that I am living with them on my terms rather than shunning them as unwelcome parts of my life. These are not huge trials that I am struggling to overcome. They fall more into the category of chronic annoyances. Weight management. The money spending control button. The “I can’t say no to any worthy project” addiction. The “clutter grows out of nowhere” myth. I am working hard to stop saying—and more importantly, stop believing--things like:

It’s just the way I am—I can’t help it!
I have always believed this about myself, so it must be true.
If you want it done, do it yourself!
People don’t change, no matter what you do.

These little epiphanies about personal responsibility crystallized for me in a recent study of a fun little book I have been reading. It’s called Change is Good—You Go First. I shared a few thoughts from the book at our last State Board Meeting, and just wanted to share a few more with all of you that I think are so pertinent to our Network Leadership. The book’s authors call for each individual in an organization to adopt the following philosophy of personal accountability. I believe these principles can apply equally to any organization—whether it is a company, a family, an IEP team, or any level of our Network organizations. The philosophy is simply to remember these Most Important Words:

The 10 Most Important Words:
I won’t wait for others to take the first step.
The 9 Most Important Words:
If it is to be, it’s up to me.
The 8 Most Important Words:
If not me, who? If not now, when?
The 7 Most Important Words:
Let me take a shot at it.
The 6 Most Important Words:
I will not pass the buck.
The 5 Most Important Words:
You can count on me.
The 4 Most important Words:
It IS my job!
The 3 Most Important Words:
Just do it!
The 2 Most Important Words:
I will.
The Most Important Word:
ME

Did that last one surprise you? Every time I read it, or type it, it surprises me! This attitude seems so contrary to some of us who are used to taking a back row approach to life, and who are accustomed to putting other people first. Remember, this is not a “service attitude” or a “personal accountability for how you treat others” model. It is about personal accountability for your actions and attitudes, which means other people’s actions and attitudes don’t really get to come into the equation. The interesting thing, however, is to watch how your actions and attitudes can affect those around you.

The benefits of adopting this “personal accountability attitude” include:

Having more control over our destiny
Becoming an active contributor rather than a passive observer
Having others look to us for leadership
Gaining a reputation as a problem solver
Enjoying the satisfaction that comes from getting things done…the power of positive doing
Experiencing less anger, frustration and helplessness, which leads to better physical health

When we take this proactive approach to some of our challenges and apply the personal accountability attitude, some remarkable changes can occur. Barriers that previously existed begin to dissolve. Teamwork that previously seemed impossible begins to happen. We feel a more positive energy toward our work, and others respond in kind. We will find solutions to problems the seemed insurmountable.

Good luck! Have a great week and let me know if you have success in applying the “personal accountability attitude to something in your life.



Success is not final, failure is not final:
It is the courage to continue that counts.
--Winston Churchill